Temporary Help
by Le Penguin
Summary: Good help is so hard to find these days. Fuuma bravely searches for a new secretary and gets some interesting applicants. Multiple crossovers.


---

HELP WANTED: TEMP POSITION IN GOVERNMENT BUILDING. NO CREDENTIALS NECESSARY, FLEXIBLE HOURS. MUST KNOW HOW TO MAKE COFFEE AND CREPES.

---

Satsuki's expression remained steadily blank. "You want me to post this on every job search site on the internet?"

Fuuma nodded, hands in his pockets. "We need the extra help around here, with Kazuki gone. The Ise maiden won't be coming to us for some weeks yet."

"01001001 00100000 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110111 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101101 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01100011 01110010 01100101 01110000 01100101 01110011 00101110," commented BEAST.

"Right, whatever." Fuuma sauntered out of the room, waving nonchalantly. "I'm sure we'll be able to find someone suitable, with your talents."

Satsuki settled back into her chair and sighed. "BEAST, we should've taken the job on the LiveJournal staff..."

-- DAY ONE. --

"So, I see your pre-interview with my secretary went smashingly," Fuuma remarked, warmly.

"Oh, yes sir! He was very thorough!" Nokoru chirped.

Subaru chewed on his pencil absently, staring off into space. Fuuma patted his head.

"He's such a hard worker. Now, I noticed that you house the Seals on your campus. Pardon me if I sense a conflict of interests. How will this interfere with your work here?"

Nokoru's expression grew dark. "To accomplish my Wish, I will go to any length."

Fuuma smiled. "I see your point. Your Wish glows bright enough to blind one. Now, shall we discuss hours and pay rates? I think we'll start you off at twenty hours a week--"

Suoh crashed through the ceiling on a zipline and hit the floor in perfect gymnast stance. After a series of complicated flips and jumps, he stood in front of Nokoru, anger radiating off him.

"Chairman, no matter _what_ you try and do, there'll still be a mountain of paperwork for you at your desk!" He yanked Nokoru up by the scruff. "Even if you destroy the world, it'll only increase with all the property damage!"

Nokoru sparkled at Suoh and batted his eyes. "Oh, Suoh, you always manage to see the fine print in things! I must repay you somehow...perhaps a dinner, just you and m--eeek!"

Suoh hauled Nokoru to the door by the back of his jacket, still fuming. He bowed deeply to Fuuma.

"I apologize for the trouble, sir. If you'll excuse us."

The door slammed shut, and Suoh's angry scolding could be heard even as he marched away. Fuuma sighed sadly.

"Well, that wasn't a very good start to things, was it?" he asked.

Subaru continued to chew on his pencil, blank. Fuuma frowned. Talking to Subaru was like talking to a very drugged cat. Nataku was a much friendlier secretary; and a more efficient one at that.

"It's too bad I had to kill her," Fuuma mused.

"I know the feeling," Subaru mumbled around a mouthful of pencil.

Fuuma ruffled Subaru's hair, and he hissed in response.

"We got any more applicants today?" asked Fuuma.

"I killed them all," Subaru muttered sullenly.

"Good, good; I wanted to punch out early today anyway!" Fuuma gave Subaru a hearty thump on the back. Being that Subaru weighed roughly the same amount as a wet paper bag, the force sent him thwacking face-down into the desk before him. Fuuma blinked.

"Whoops, sorry about that."

"...," Subaru remarked, simply.

"Yeah, I think we should hold off calling more applicants until tomorrow, too." Fuuma ruffled Subaru's hair again, and elicited another warning hiss. "C'mon, it's karaoke night in Yuuto's bachelor pad, and I need a duet partner! Sakurazuka and I used to bring the house down with our covers of 'Dancing Queen,' you know..."

-- DAY TWO. --

The last night being a hard night of karaoke-ing, Fuuma allowed Subaru a day off. (Meaning, Subaru was far too hung-over to be at all useful. He should've known a wet paper bag would have no tolerance.)

Without Subaru's diligent help, Fuuma continued with the interviews on his lonesome.

"This is a very impressive resume, indeed!" Fuuma held out his hand. "Welcome aboard!"

Watanuki sighed in relief and reached out to shake Fuuma's hand. "Thank you so much, sir! Anything you need me for, I'll be happy to take up."

Fuuma patted Watanuki's hand comfortingly. "After the time you had with your last job, I think we'll just start you off with light filing and crepe-making. Now, you can start tomorrow morning at eight--"

A screen popped up from Fuuma's desk, and a cheery voice screeched from it.

"YOU'VE GOT MOKO-MAIL--!"

Fuuma winced, sticking his fingers in his ears. "Jesus H. Me, how the hell did you get past Satsuki's firewalls!"

"HAX0R1NG IS ONE OF MOKONA'S ONE-HUNDRED AND EIGHT SECRET TECHNIQUES--!" it replied, piercingly loud. "NOW, PRESENTING YUUKO--!"

Yuuko's very angry visage popped up on screen. "Don't you _dare_ steal my maid, you little bastard!"

Fuuma grinned casually and leaned back in his chair. "Sorry, paperwork's already done! It just goes to show you, the proletariat will rise above the bourgeoisie and achieve fair pay; they need only unionize and revolt--"

"I'VE BROKEN STRIKES BEFORE AND I'LL DO IT AGAIN!" Yuuko roared, livid. "First you steal my customers, then you steal my indentured servant! I WON'T STAND FOR IT!"

"Don't I get a say in this!" Watanuki huffed.

"NO! Now get back here and finish my laundry!"

Shadows snaked away from their places on the walls and entangled Watanuki, dragging him out of his chair and pulling him through the floor. Fuuma tsked and halted the shadows by pinning them with a toe-tip.

"Miss Ichihara, can't we act like civilized businesspeople?" he asked. "Perhaps we can work out a joint ownership..."

"Or," Yuuko offered. "I get my slave back, and I let you keep your subscription of 'Ukes In Short Pants Monthly.'"

Fuuma waved good-bye as Watanuki was dragged kicking and clawing through the floor. "Pleasure doing business with you!"

-- DAY THREE. --

"Well, I must admit, you have a great deal of experience." Fuuma flipped through the pages thoughtfully. "I'm concerned with the rapidity you seem to go through your jobs, however. May I ask if there's a reason you left after such short time periods?"

"..." Touya cleared his throat and looked down. "...well, many of them weren't comfortable with how often a school friend of mine visited during my shifts."

Fuuma nodded sympathetically. "Well, we certainly don't mind visitors as long as they don't interfere with your work. Now, if my dear secretary will give me your recommendations..."

"No," Subaru replied, glaring petulantly at Touya.

"And why is that?" Fuuma pressed, with unending patience.

"I don't like his name." Subaru sank into his chair, his voice muffled by his chest. "I hate peaches."

"Well, puking out three bottles of peach schnapps will do that to you."

"If there's a problem," Touya interrupted, looking over Subaru warily. "I could submit my references to you through e-mail."

"I hate e-mail, too," Subaru grumbled. "Fucking spam."

"Since my secretary seems to have missed his nap, that seems to be the best option." Fuuma shook Touya's hand and smiled warmly. "I'll have my other secretary telephone you by tomorrow. Won't I, Mr. Frog?"

"Yes he will!" Fuuma made the frog plushie in his hand nod its head eagerly. "I so love working for Kamui! He's so brilliant and, may I add, sexy!"

"Oh, stop!" Fuuma cupped his cheek in his other hand, giggling girlishly.

"It's true!" The plushie pressed a kiss to the back of Fuuma's hand. "I would nail that any day of the week!"

"Oh, you!" Another giggle, then a pause. "Hmm, now where did Mr. Kinomoto run off to?"

"Somewhere," Subaru mumbled. "You do realize that that thing isn't real, right?"

"KAMUI HAVE THEIR NEEDS, TOO, YOU KNOW!" Fuuma wailed, and ran off sobbing to his bedroom.

Subaru shrugged and pilfered Fuuma's desk bottle of peach schnapps.

-- DAY FOUR. --

"Hmm, I see you have much experience with ambiguously evil organizations..."

"As should any worker worth his salt!"

"Last job was terminated due to...death? Well, we're not concerned with such silly trivialities. Experienced with mindfucking viewers with double-agent work..."

"A favored pastime of mine."

"Yet with a sensitive, self-sacrificing, and--dare I say?--romantic side."

"What can I say? I've got layers."

"And fabulous layers they are," Fuuma complimented. "Who _is_ your stylist?"

Axel preened. "You're too kind! I get them done by a friend of mine in this little tropical spot. Your highlights are quite nice, if I do say so myself. The blond really brings out your cheekbones."

Fuuma's eyes flashed sky blue. "I don't have highlights, though you're kind to say. Perhaps it's the lighting?"

Axel blinked. "I...suppose." He shook it off and put on his best grin, kicking up his feet. "Soooo, when do I start?"

Fuuma turned to Subaru for approval. Subaru glanced up through his eyelashes, shyly.

"I like your trenchcoat," he said. "And you don't smell like peaches. I like that."

"Aw, and you're kinda weird! I like that!" Axel punched Subaru in the arm, and Subaru promptly crashed into the floor.

Fuuma beamed and shook Axel's hand. "Welcome aboard! Now, I don't suppose you have experience in consuming large amounts of ice cream? 'cause all of a sudden I have a hankering..."

--

**Notes:** For Binary translation, poke around on Google. Axel is crossed over from Kingdom Hearts II, the Disney/Square-Enix joint videogame.


End file.
